Alright, I know, but right now I'm fine with make believe,
I've nothing better to do and neither do you.

I'm okay with being alone.
I spend most of my time alone and in fact, I've become quite good at it.
I'm just tired.

I don't even have to love you back, just spend the night with me.

Please, I'm silently begging you to stay with me.

It doesn't have to be forever,
I actually don't want forever,
just for tonight.

I knew we should have watched it at your place,
so small with out a dining room
or food

But the three of us could have just slept in bed together.
The three of us could have just slept in bed together.
Could have just slept in bed together.
Just slept in bed together.

Talking, Watching, Drinking, Laughing, Tormenting, Drinking, Seinfeld, Throwing, Laughing, Seinfeld, Food, Drinking, Wrestling, Throwing Food, Wrestling, Laughing, Drinking, All of the Blankets, Laughing, Wrestling, None of the Blankets, Not Sleeping, Giggling, Really not Sleeping, Wrestling, Water, Giggling, Still Not Sleeping, Going to Work Together. What? Laughing,

Silence, Silence,

Laughing, Coffee, Working, Laughing, Lady Gaga, Laughing, Working, Dancing, Coffee, Laughing, You Napping, Me Snapping (a candid),



Laughing, Laughing, Working, Laughing, Coffee, Laughing, Glad We're Friends, Laughing.

I just want to be next to someone but define myself as me (singular).

I need someone to follow me around and write down everything I think as it happens.

I don't get paid to be nice, so how about you just fuck off.

I'm not sure why I accepted your friend request a month ago.
I'm not sure why you reached out to me the day before you tried to kill yourself last week.
I'm not sure why you're telling me this now. I hope you just tell everyone and I'm not your confidant
because,

I made it pretty clear in 8th grade that I didn't want you to be a part of my life.
Even at the ripe old age of 14 I knew you were fucked up and abusive as stupid as that may sound.
And creepy.

That was 6 years ago man.

Then we ran into each other at Garza and I realized you had not changed in the slightest and again made it clear I still did not want you in my life.

That was 2 years ago man.

As selfish as this may sound, I don't want to help you because you've never wanted to help yourself.
You have to help you.
Maybe you should stop doing drugs as a start. That's all I'm saying.

Now leave me alone, as I'm telling you to do so now.

This is so middle school!

Where did you go?
I've watched you disappear right in front of me,
for years
and have never really noticed.

You used to be
and now you just use.

It inspires some god awful feeling in me,
something along the lines of I could have stopped this
I could have fixed this
I could have changed this

No matter how much I know that's not entirely true,
good luck getting me to believe it.

This was never a good idea. From that first night. I knew.
I knew what I felt and I thought it would be different

I read that sketch book I gave you for your birthday years ago.
You deemed it important enough,
important enough to pull out of your totaled car 100 miles away
last week. The only thing you wrote in the midst of all those drawings
made me cry.

Streaming constant tears because I don't know where he is.
You'd read it now and call it shit.
So why did you save it?
Not your text books, not my shoes, not your clothes, not your cds.

Everything out of your glove box and that sketch book.
Oh, I'll probably never ask you.

August seems so far away... but I suppose not really.
What's another 9 months.
9 months is nothing to a coward like myself.
Time is my excuse, my reason, my air I use to justify this.

I tried to tell you how I feel.
You just started cussing at me.

And then you went to bed.
Now I am still up.

And I am still alone.

I cannot begin to explain how life changing the deadmau5 show at Stubb's was.
No clever writing, no elusive phrases. Straight recollection.



I went with Jake (from work) and his girlfriend, Debbie Downer. Even though Deadmau5 is Jake's favourite DJ she made them leave. So, here I am, alone, at this DJ show full of candy kids. I decide to just dance and have fun. I look next to me and the most gorgeous guy is dancing next to me, alone. I keep glancing at himout of the corner of my eye because I realize I am definitely not as cool as I used to be. No way this guy would be into me... Not that I should care because I'm not single, right?

Deadmau5 starts doing some sick shit on stage but alas, I am too short to see. Gorgeous guy notices, !, and motions for me to stand in front of him for a better view. And, that's all she wrote.

We ended up laughing, and dancing, then dancing then really dancing and I forgot about Steven. In all seriousness this wasn't me drunkenly dancing with someone at a Halloween party. This is me sober. He and I were lost in the music together, however cliche this may be, it felt like we were the only ones at the show. I wanted to fuck him. The way we were dancing was like basically having sex. Honest to god, I wanted to rip his trendy clothes off and have sex with his pierced body right then and there. Steven wasn't even on the same continent as my mind was... When the show ended I realized what happened, made up some excuse, and ran off to my car. I didn't give him my name or number even though I wanted to so bad it physically hurt.

I have always thought about Steven. For the past 3 1/2 years I've always thought about him. At every party, show, club, everything. Except this time. And you know what? It was amazing. To be hot, and sexy, and excited with someone who's experiencing the same. I realized Steven, had he been off, would probably never have gone to the show with me because 1. none of his lazy ass friends would be there and 2. he would have already spent all of his money on pot. Steven and I used to be into the same shit, you know? And now? He's a fucking stoner who doesn't want to to anything except smoke, play beer pong, and watch tv (not with me, just with his buddies). Yet again another cliche, but I'm starting to realize there are cliches for a reason.

(A side note: When I saw Steven later that night, I definitely told him what happened. He blew it off and said "It's just dancing" I tried to explain to him that it wasn't but all he cared about was the fact that we didn't have sex.)

I don't think I want to be exclusive anymore. Yeah, I love Steven, but I think I want to see what else is out there. I want to live my life and do all this fun stuff with other people. I'm tired of saying "I have a boyfriend, but he's at his friend's house". Maybe it's a phase Steven is in, maybe it's not. But while he's trying to figure out what he's doing with his life, I'm going to be living my own. If Steven's not okay with it, then we'll have to go our separate ways because I am too lonely and too young to have a part time boyfriend. Woes me, this is the first time I've felt this way without a fight to provoke it. I'm pretty sure that's how I know it's legit. We weren't (and haven't been) fighting.

Now all I have to do is make sure this is actually what I want, and then tell him. Oh boy.




I know this is lame, but I definitely wrote a Shot in the Dark for the Chronicle.
It's in the one that came out today if you want to read it, hahaha.

I can feel your hands digging into my hips, so hard that the sweat on your palms makes them slide around on this oh so classy synthetic fabric. This is what I thought it would be. I feel. sweat. adrenaline.

My back is to your stomach so you can't see me recklessly grinning. The faster to music goes, the wider my mouth gets... I'm sure that girl in front of me can count all my little teeth but I just. don't. care. My hands are just as sweaty as yours and slide off of your arms to your thighs.

Woweee whoa, your hands are in my hair. Now on my face. Now my face is on your face which I can't even see in the glow of this disco ball. I don't know who you are, what you're dressed as, where you're going after this, or who you will dance with next (because I won't stay) all I know is that you're tall and I am. so. excited.

The song ends. After this I walk away, back through the house and the night continues on the road it was already on.

I might just go to hell. Or, I might not.
You're lucky I told you.

Indifference is possibly the worst adjective I've come across.
It leads to actions.



I need a plan.

I'm young and pretty.
Perhaps that's plan enough in this day and age we live in.
Who am I kidding,
(that's always been a plan, regardless of the century.)

As of now I do not have the upper hand.
Just you fucking wait
Just you fucking wait until I do.

Simple, I am done with having a conscience.
Nature will kick in, you'll feel the damage I'm capable of inflicting
and you'll fucking see what it's like.
Fucking see what it's like.

You waste of God's damned space.
You are wasting the space someone somewhere damned.


Just you fucking wait.

In the beginning,
When Thursday comes next Friday
A replay of July might be showing
I am looking for an excuse.
Tickets are less expensive than
you think,
A glance and a grind.

Like a lamb to the shepard,
This is the second coming
after the first before the third
Only leading women to the snake bite promise land.

Fuel
for the fire that is burning down the city
Seems to be your currency
Oh how divine,
My legs will be open for days

Blow the dust off, will you
No?
Oh.
I see.

On the surface,
I wish I could stop loving you.

If I do,
It will be because I've started loving someone else.

Once it happens,
I won't come back, I will already be gone.

If you knew,
I'm not sure you would know.

A side note:

It's tacky, tacky not to respond, even if you're not interested.
I took the time to ask you in a polite manner.
The least you could do is say:
"It's been too long, thanks but no thanks"

I suppose it doesn't really bother me because I'm upset about the social etiquette instead of the fact that we aren't going to be talking, haha.

In other news:
Went over to Jean's place after work on Thursday.
I successfully spent 4 hours one on one with someone new.



Was a complete bum this weekend, mostly because I was only off today.
Did not go out with John, Kara, Austin or to a party James Oliver invited me to.
(HA HA)
Definitely could not stop my body from sleeping instead.

There's always next weekend to be awake and party!

Even though I only saw her maybe once a week if that,
with Carlie being gone I've realized how lonely I am sometimes.
It's not exactly a sad lonely...
Just a realized lonely.

Working at St. Edwards has done two things:

1. I wish I were in school, anywhere, but the idea of actually applying is horrifying. Not because I won't get accepted, but because it means change. I've settled into my non college life style and am functioning mostly.

2. For once in my life I made some new friends, sort of.









How about that.

All talk and no walk.
I will forever be a victim of myself
and perpetuate this cycle.

I can hear everyone, myself included
But it just goes
it goes
and it goes
in one ear and out the other.

This is my fault now, really.
I can't mourn my own grave,
no matter how hard I try

It's worse to recognize the situation.

-A much needed break from all of this relationship despair poo poo-
(Which by the way, has improved greatly because, well yeah.)

Okay, it might just be because I need to get my shot very soon, so I'm sure my hormones are all outta whack buuuuut:

I want to pretty much dry hump every living being on two legs with male genetalia and a slight muscular build!

Like, I don't want to have actual sex or anything, I just want to make out and get a little past second base. Have any of you ever felt like this?!!

EVERYTHING LOOKS GOOD.

Like seriously, this must be what every teenage...and adult male must feel like all the time!
I almost threw myself on this guy yesterday who just smelled nice as Nolff and I walked by. I almost attacked Nolff for that matter!

We're gonna have a party at some point soon at Steven's parent's house and I am really pining for a truth or dare circle or somethinggggggg (which Steven would be more than welcome to participate in of course.)

I just need some relief! Like some aloe vera for my hormone burn!

I don't want this to happen.
But I suppose I can't stop the sun from rising
or setting
on this landscape.

I have this fantasy that Sam will pick up the pieces.
He will stare at me with those big blue eyes
and finally understand his role in my life.
Sam will take me in and take care of me.
He'll marvel over the fact that I am almost half his age, young
and pretty
and that if we were the same age I'd never be with him.
He'll drive me around in his sporty black car
and I'll happily help him make his cooking show.
He'll show me what a man is supposed to be
and do all of the things no one ever did for me.
It'll be like he's a father figure
except
We'll fuck all of our time away together.

And yeah, he'll take care of me.

I
Truth be told
Am honestly (and finally)
Fearful of what's to come

This break, this break
was not long enough
or deep enough
to make me want to come back

to make me miss you

And maybe that's the point
You can't make it
so maybe
You have to break it.
I mean I

Is it fair that I might be taking my time so I'm alright?
Is it fucking fair?
All these maybes and mights,
What a concept.